Collage126

Collage 126 H u m o u r N e t 26 AUG 95At a prison in Dundalk, MD (a town almost as swank as Trucksville,PA :-), security personnel discovered a tunnel being dug by severalof the inmates. In this case, however, the inmates were *lucky*that the tunnel was discovered, since they were less than two feetaway from burrowing into the prison's septic tank.If it had been *my* choice, I would have just let them keep digging.And, just in case that didn't spoil your appetite, I present to youthe "Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook"--which is *very* humorous, even ifyou're one of the few people who don't know WHO Jean-Paul Sartrewas. (For you poor souls who are not aware, Jean-Paul Sartre played"The Galloping Gourmet" on "Sixty Minutes." Or something like that.)And since this Collage seems to have a decidedly culinary theme, thesecond piece, "Lunch, a` la HP," is a metaphorical account of thecomplexity of large computer purchases. Or something like that. :-)Bon appetit!- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message."THE JEAN-PAUL SARTRE COOKBOOK By Alastair Sutherlandfrom Free Agent, March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper)We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries ofFrench philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions ofour office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed notwith the void, but with food. Apparently Sartre, before discoveringphilosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest allnotions of flavor forever." The diaries are excerpted here for yourperusal.OCTOBER 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.OCTOBER 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.OCTOBER 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.OCTOBER 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe: Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light. While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.OCTOBER 25 I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.NOVEMBER 15 Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.NOVEMBER 30 Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.DECEMBER 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: Lunch, a` la HPThis is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, noscreaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture thatscars a man for life.I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to buy anentire new series 70--the works. He said it would take about an hour.Three hours later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down onpaper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the servicecounter was a menu which began...MMUs (Main Menu Units)0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. Must order condiments 00110A separately 001 Deletes seeds. 002 Expands burger to two patties.00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and condiments. 001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger 001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return credit for bun.00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. Thewaitress looked at me like I was an alien."How would you like to order that, sir? Quickly, if possible.Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink? No sir. All ourservice is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned themenu. "How big is the 00010 burger? The patty is rated at eightbites. Well, how about the rest of it? I don't have the specs onthat, sir, but I think it's a bit more. Eight bites is too small.Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option002 'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgradewould give you two burgers."But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitresschimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was acouple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy whonearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms aroundand looking very excited."What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetableoption and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, runningsteeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get myattention again. "Have you decided, sir?"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A withthe option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for theCondiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard andpickles with a option to substitute relish."Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too. That'snot a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted inagain. "Thats not a supported configuration. What now?" I kept myvoice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it. Look. Forgetthe ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, butthats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won'tfit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at firstrelease. It is being beta-tested, sir."I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are EnglishFries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sella lot of them."I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." Theconfused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option isconfigured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles."No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." Iwondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask."Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Yourmeal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom ofthe menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll neverforget."Implementation assistance?"You get a waiter."Implementation analysis?"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."Response Center Support?"He brings it to your table."Extended materials?"You get refills."I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. Shegave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied iton my way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergencynapkin.Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. Hehadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The tablewaiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked atme and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair bythe window right away."I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cupsof chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered.The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It wasfive AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, Idid what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called insick.
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