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DO HAVE TROUBLE APOLOGIZING? Does your partner complain that you never apologize? Is s/he upset because it feels like they are always giving in or making amends while you don't budge and seem like you are never wrong-even if you both know you are? OUR INABILITY TO APOLOGIZE IS VERY PROBLEMATIC. We can come across as uncaring, unfeeling and cold. And it prevents us from repairing any damages we've caused in our relationship, robbing both our partner and ourselves of healing, intimacy and closeness. Usually our inability to apologize is mixed up with OLD, UNCONSCIOUS, UNHEALTHY UNDERLYING BELIEFS or MINDSETS that get in the way of being able to get closer to our loved ones in a heartfelt way. Aside from messing-up our external relationships, they are often indicators of our own messed-up internal relationships toward our Self. See if these thought patterns fit you and then notice what the out-of-whack belief about the Self (or others) is in the brackets. DO YOU THINK: 1. "I don't have to apologize because you should:know I didn't mean itjust get over itaccept me as I am?" (Then you have a sense of deservedness and entitlement that makes it hard for you to be in healthy relationship with others). 2. "If you loved me, you'd automatically forgive me?" (Then you show irresponsibility and lack of emotional maturity for healthy relationships to flourish). 3. "Nothing I do will undo the hurt I've caused you-no matter what I say, I can't make it right?" (Your easy surrender to a sense of helplessness usually stems from your previous experiences at the hands of people who were unforgiving or merciless) 4. "You'll never forgive me, why should I try?" (You collapse into hopelessness which allows you to let yourself off the hook from trying-again learned in other experiences like helplessness above. You see yourself as the constant victim when you may actually be the perpetrator of hurts.) 5. "It's weak to apologize." (You learned not to trust others and to be invulnerable-at some point in your life you likely had to cut off your compassion toward others because you had to cut off your own pain). You can see how crippling these thoughts, behaviours and mindsets can be-toward you, toward your partner-and how devastating they can be to your relationship. WANT TO HAVE A MORE HELPFUL MINDSET? Here's 3 things you can do to encourage the healing of yourself and others. It requires you to expand emotionally so you are able to contain your own feelings while holding space for someone else's feelings at the same time. This is a sign of EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND FLEXIBILITY and is the HALLMARK OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.Encourage the hurt person to open up to you and tell you how much it hurts. Don't wait for them to talk about it first. Inquire and then take responsibility for how you inflicted hurt.Face the music, witness the pain you caused, and bear your feelings about their feelings! Don't ask the hurt person to bury their hurt away because their pain makes YOU feel uncomfortable. (Feeling uncomfortable is a good thing for you...it prevents your from doing the hurtful behaviour over and over again).Be courageous and daring by bearing your own anxiety and guilt about their hurt feelings. THE GUILT PARADOX: Apologizing is difficult for many of us because guilt and remorse is one of the more difficult emotions to bear as humans. The good news is that we often feel guilt and remorse in direct proportion to the amount of love we feel, the amount of pain we've caused, and the seriousness of the offense. Experiencing the guilt not only prevents us from repeating the acts, but restores our humanity-especially when we acknowledge the degree of love that lies below. Guilt can be a very complicated emotion to deal with so if you find yourself consumed by guilt or avoiding your guilt, it may be a signal that more specific and individualized work is needed. If you struggle with apologies, if your relationship is hurting because you can't or won't apologize-or you find that someone you love is struggling to forgive you-and you cant seem to get past the hurt, please seek help from a trained and qualified couples or marriage counsellor or other mental-health who specializes in healthy relationships. Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Vancouver's "Love Coach." A therapist, teacher, researcher, and speaker, Diane has worked with individuals and couples-aged 16-86-to create the healthy, vibrant, passionate love relationships they desire! While Diane addresses the surface symptoms of relationship problems like all counsellors, she is one who really gets to the true root causes of people's love difficulties. Diane's post-graduate studies and ongoing clinical training honed the precise skills required to zero in on the barriers to intimacy that we create. Sometimes she coaxes them aside, sometimes she blasts them to bits--whatever it takes--to get to the truth about ourselves and to free us to love fully and deeply. As Diane states, "The healing is in the feelings!" Diane's previous articles, interviews and contact info can be found at http://www.dianeandersoncounselling.com/ or read her blog Love Coach Diane at http://lovecoachdiane.wordpress.com/ View Article Source